By Tobes, Nomad, Lemur and CrazyJim
This common activity offers so many outlets for the hard-core lunatic.
Ride the conveyor belt at the checkout. Shave in the personal
hygiene aisles. If anybody spots you, look at them for a moment, then yell,
"What are you doing in my bathroom!?" Hold parties in the snack
food aisles. Ask someone "Where
are the assholes?" Wait for them to go "Huh?" Then say "I
said, where are the aerosols?" Pay for everything in 5c
coins. Return stuff and demand
the refund in 5c coins. Ask for the keys to the
deluxe products section. Taste test everything. Staple dockets to your
scalp, walk in and declare, "I'd like to return these." Eat the peanuts. Then eat
more of them. Then, walk past again, and eat more of them. Then eat more of the
peanuts. Grind trolleys in the
frozen foods section. Toast a few marshmallows
over a campfire in the confectionary isle. Bring your own alcohol. Say "Where are the
prawnoes?" and point at the magazine section with one hand, and the seafood
section with the other. Insist you are able to
purchase half an apple. Buy a rope, a heavy bag
of something, and a beanie. Announce, "I am practising for the army." Walk through the checkout
with a sleeping bag, and turn it inside out to prove that nothing is in it. Ask where the changing
rooms are. Find a trolley with stuff
in it, and take it through the checkout, buying all the items. Walk away from the store
with those items and return in five minutes, insisting on a refund. Ask where they keep the
chandeliers. Hop into someone else's
trolley and demand a ride. Buy a dog leash and a
bread roll. Walk the bread roll with the dog leash. Buy some soap, and ask
"Does this make REAL soup?" Take as many layers off a
lettuce as you can, leaving them on the floor. Take your golf ball-sized lettuce
to the checkout. Go crowd surfing in the
checkouts. Bring a beach ball...
walk into an aisle... throw the beach ball into another aisle... leave... Cover yourself in oil,
then run really fast and slide down an isle. Repeat if necessary. Use the PA to ask for
someone from the condom section to help with a fitting. Walk into the checkout
from the wrong direction. Buy something. Then continue walking into the store. Bring items from home.
Set them up in bare sections of the aisles... put prices on them. Demand MacGuyver on DVD. Ask the operator for
recipies. Count "Beep
1", "Beep 2", "Beep 3", etc as items go through. Loose count and demand
all items be rescanned. Insist the operator's
name is not what is written on their name tag--their name is FRANK! Set up a fold-out chair
and sit on it. Take a Star Trek
figurine and put in over the laser scanner. Complain that the store's tractor
beam isn’t working. Set up some cereal boxes
and a fold-out chair. Sit on the fold-out chair and watch the cereal. Set up a fold-out chair
and watch the soaps. Set up the soaps and
watch the fold-out chairs. Invite the cashiers to a
party in the pet food aisle. Slap people and say
"I saw you looking at my Girlfriend!" and point at a stand of orange
juice. Slap people and say
"I saw you looking at my orange juice!" and point at your girlfriend,
or just some random person nearby. Buy 19 bottles of metho',
6 lemons, 2 boxes of matches, a few lighter refills, and a clock that ticks
loudly. Buy some VCR tapes and
exclaim loudly "These are so I can tape porn!" Come in naked, except for
a cardboard sign saying "The End is Nigh". If anyone says anything to
you, say "I've been trapped here for 28 years." Bring a carton of eggs to
the counter and say "I just can't STAND these eggs!" when the employee
asks why, take one out and try to stand it on it's pointy end. Arrange another seven
people to come to the supermarket with you. Grab a lolly pop each. Take a
checkout each. Repeat several times until everyone runs out of money. Attach a doorbell to the
milk fridge. Go doorknocking on the
milk fridge. When you come to the
counter, stand there heaving as if you've just ran marathon. If the employee
says anything, cough on them as loud as you can. Sprawl yourself out on
the conveyor belt, balancing products in your mouth. Say you shopped here
twice last year and demand a line of credit. Say you will shop there
twice this year and demand a line of debit. Beat your fists against a
fire escape, screaming "GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY!" Hop into a freezer and
sit there for a while. If anyone asks you what you are doing say "Woah...
this isn't my boat..." and walk away casually. Applaud loudly when the
cashier makes a mistake. Applaud loudly if the
cashier is wearing clothes. Do not tell them why you are applauding. Put a sticker on the
cashier's shirt, and tell them that they've been very good. Put a sticker on the
cashier's face, and tell them that you've been very good. Put a stick on your own
face, and have a seizure. Drag in a phone booth.
Set up a folding chair in the phone booth. Sit on the chair and stare directly
in front of you. Every now and then, spasm. Start a brawl in a phone
booth. Yell, "SPASM!"
and push an aisle over. If the aisle doesn't
fall, yell "SPASM!" and casually pick up each item on the shelves and
place it on the floor. Yell, "SPASM!"
and push a senior citizen over. Demand to see the
manager. When he shows up laugh heartily and say, “Thanks.” Ask 'Who's in charge
here!?' When answered, lose interest and buy some chocolate. Walk in with a set of
steak knives, a massage machine, and an abdominal workout kit. Set yourself up
inside a cardboard box with a window in it. Perform telemarketing commercials. Occasionally, bring in
members of the audience and other products. Try to sell members of
the audience. Accuse members of the
audience of stealing your gig. Demand a free steak knife
with every purchase. Buy a chicken and an egg
and say, "There's more where that came from." Make the cashier cry. Ask, "What's the
going price of tap water these days?" Cry. Insist the cashier
said mean things. Talk to a sauce bottle about it. Buy items, and when you
have to pay, say, "Sorry, I can't speak English." Carry on a conversation
with the cashier, and when it comes time to pay say, "Es tut mir furchtbar
leid. Ich kann nicht sprechen auf deutsch." Walk off with your groceries. Explain why you are
buying each item. Complain that their Blu-Tack
is too tacky. Complain that their
Blu-Tac is too red. Bring a laptop into the
store. Catalogue all their products. Bring a mobile phone. Get
stuck in the entry to the store... call 000/911. Walk in with some blank
tapes that you've bought and ask where the return slot is. Glue video tapes to your
shoulder. Insist you are 'Tape Man'. Ask someone where you can
download the cereal. If a cashier makes a
mistake and apologises, jokingly refuse to forgive them. Take it beyond a joke
and start hitting them with coleslaw. Run laps of an isle until
someone starts chasing you. Then stop. When they grab you, cry, "Beam me
up, Scotty!" Buy a can of creamed
corn. When they're about to scan it, say "Woah, you walked right into that
one.. I wasn't actually going to buy it or anything..." Call and reserve aisles
before coming to the store. Walk backwards
everywhere, if anyone asks you why you are walking backwards say, "Why do
you walk forwards?" Test the toilet paper. Taste-test the toilet
paper. Talk like a lost old lady
to the cashiers. Insist they are your long-lost grandson from Germany. Put on an acubra hat, and
approach a large crowd. Say "Attention! The tour will commence now. Will
you all follow me." Put on an acubra hat.
Approach a large crowd. Say "Attention! The tour will commence now. Will
you all follow him." and point at a random nearby person. Drive a tour bus full of
people to the supermarket and give them a tour of the cold meat department. Poke the meat with
toothpicks you picked up from another aisle. Say that you're trying to
start a Jamaican bob-sled team and you need funding. Scream “There’s a
bomb on this shopping trolley” and don’t let anyone stop you pushing it at
full speed. Go up to the deli
attendant and ask her about her breasts, if she gets narky say “Well, I’ll
go buy my chicken parts elsewhere then”Happy hunting...
© 2003 JimSoft