By CrazyJim and Lemur
This will either get you committed or killed. It will definitely get you exiled from any existing friendship you choose. Use it unwisely.
Constantly send hate mail signed "Your best friend" Constantly send love letters signed "Your best friend". Sit on their mailbox screaming at 3am Sit on their mailbox with a mobile phone and ring them at 3:01am. Ask, "Can I get on your hit list please?" Show your best friend your hit list. Threaten to exchange their laundry powder for cement Follow through on the threat and exchange their laundry powder for cement When your best friend says something that implies something, say what it implies as if it's a new idea Constantly eat all their food, then complain they have no good food and leave Develop a habit of hitting people across the forehead when a good idea strikes Sue them over anything that could gain you a cent Catapult car parts at their roof at 3:02am. Resist arrest at 3:08am Start a shootout at 3:09am. Maintain police could react to anything in under 8 mins. Make a getaway by doing a lap and returning to their house--run inside. Constantly offer to mow their lawn, when they accept scream "SUCKER" and mow their dog Constantly offer to mow their dog. Use their credit card to access low quality Russian porn sites Use their credit card to pay for a series of pamphlets exposing their credit card number. Constantly try to bitch slap them Refer to yourself in the third person in telephone conversations Refer to them as the third person in all conversations Insist they build a cellar. Make it a point to feed their dog nothing but baked beans for weeks on end Cook baked beans at 3:10am in their kitchen amidst a shootout. Shave their heads while they sleep Glue their hair back on. If they go on holiday have their house demolished and billboard erected that says "APRIL FOOLS" Do it again in August. If they ever yell at you say "Talk to the hand" and hit them in the face with your palm If they ever talk to you, yell at them with your hand. If they ever say the name of an inanimate object in a sentence reply with "What are you? The <insert inanimate object name> queen?" Use a megaphone in all conversations. Insist they use a megaphone to speak. Never look at their face while they talk to you Look at their face when they watch TV. Play with the settings of their TV until all people appear bright green then steal their remote Spill bad smelling things on their couch on purpose. Announce it as a science experiment. Sprinkle nails and tacks about their lawn. When you hear them scream in pain yell out "GOTCHA!" Insist on calling their dog "Fluff". If their dog's name is Fluff, call it the name of their mother. If their mother's name is Fluff, call them
Fluff. Use their washing machine to mix cement Carry a rope at all times. Hang pieces of cement from their roof. Call them "Hanging pieces of cement". When their roof collapses claim it to be "A sign god loves you" stay in their house claiming you feel god there. Squat in their house while they're home. Pull things from the cupboard without regard for anything, when you find the least interesting thing in a cupboard exclaim it to be "The best thing in the cupboard" and erect a small shrine for it. Worship at the shrine, loudly, every hour on the hour. Create hymns for "The best thing in the cupboard" and sing them out of tune. Mention how much weight they have put on before throwing up on them Collect for charity, target their house 10-15 times a day When they go out sneak over to their house and turn the power off Sit in their bedroom with their dog and lock them out. Create a secret club and don't let them join. Create a language of gestures with which to communicate with their dog. Stand on their nature strip with a pair of binoculars, if they see you pretend to be reading a newspaper or lost. Come to their house with a new thing glued to your head each time. Check in each morning to find out if they've had any new kids. Steal their paper and make it into hat for them Cry loudly at their wedding. Laugh raucously at their car. Loudly complain whenever they do something nice for you Select a random word. Every time they say this word, squawk loudly. If they rent their house, constantly order pizza's and send them to their landlord "With love" Microwave leftover pizza. Post it to them "with love". Borrow their car and amass hundreds of Speeding and Parking fines. Gather hundreds of speeding and parking fines on your own car and insist your neighbour was driving at the time. Give out their name and address to vagrants you feel could do with their hospitality Poison their water supply and if questioned say "Who?" Staple a banner reading "Free furniture" on their front fence. Staple a banner reading "Free sex" on his wife. Tear up their driveway and replace it with nougat. Trade in their car on a 32 year old Moped. If they ride a 32-year-old moped trade it in on a skateboard. Donate any funds you receive from trade ins to their least favourite charity Sacrifice the skateboard to The Most Interesting Thing In The Cupboard. Buy their kids toys with small tasty looking parts Bring hard liquor to their 6 year olds birthday party. Never help them assemble their IKEA furniture. Constantly set their furniture on fire Constantly extinguish their fire via their chimney. Steal their garden furniture, when they buy new garden furniture return the old, then steal both sets. Paint mocking faces on their garden furniture, and then replace it in their lounge room. Dig up their garden looking for "Fossils" If no fossils are found, fill the excavation back in with their roof tiles. If their roof has no tiles bury their garden furniture If they wear glasses call them "6 eyes", when they enquire about the name you call them steal their glasses and bury them, then call
them 4 eyes. Stalk their garden hose. If they ask you what you’re doing say "Well, I am not stalking your garden hose" and look shifty Attach sharp, invisible objects to their cupboard door handles. Attach their garden hose to their exhaust pipe. Send bomb and drug sniffing dogs into their house. If anything is found scream "RAPE" and steal their lawn furniture again Steal their shoes. Hide them on your feet. Slip G-strings into their lunch. When they go on holidays rent their house out to a bikie gang When they return from their holidays, rent their house out to them. Hold alcoholics anonymous meetings in their bathroom. Replace their mouthwash with Vodka. Replace their Vodka with mouthwash. Write on his or her forehead, "If you can read this, someone wrote on your forehead while you were asleep." Write the message while they're awake. Staple their socks to their face while they sleep. Whenever they ask you something use the word “approximately” to describe every amount. Staple their hair to their feet while they sleep Take notice of what they do when they wake up. If they rub their eyes, glue thumbtacks to their knuckles and fingertips while they sleep. Superglue their hands to their genitals, steal all their cloths, and videotape their trip to the hospital. Televise this documentary on CNN Create a movie based on the event Sneak a large dose of laxatives into every drink they have after gluing thumbtacks to the toilet seat. While they're not home, peel back the carpet. Cut large holes in the floorboards and replace the carpet. Put a dog treat across from the largest hole. Spray paint their dog Steal parts from their car then sell them back to them at a highly inflated price Let down all their tires, blow them up again with shaving cream Rewire their car so it constantly turns left Rewire their dog so it emits an annoying beeping noise while breathing Rewire their remote so it turns their dog on and off.Good luck.
© 2003 JimSoft