JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> The Way Of The Garlic Lord
By Nomad

The Book of Truth, Life and Biscuits

Chapter 1
AND it came to pass that in the winter of 2002, Thomarse' Willy-ham Simmerby Junior came down from his stool, and walked he amongst the people of the earth.
2 With him were no money, clothing, or mules, but only a small creature and a clove of garlic.
3 And it happened that the small creature's name was Narkle Von Crackle-Ark, and wielded a small hatchet and a magical array of chocolate varieties.
4 And they came unto a town, and threatened to take many a person to court, and consumed they more salt in one day than a man would in two lifetimes.
5 And they robbed many a bank of their fake pot-plants (as was the custom at the time) and they said, "This is good."
6 And it soon came to pass that Narkle moved to a land where the grass was thicker and the cakes were sweeter, and promised that one day she would return.
7 And thus Thomarse' looked upon a man drowning in his own bucket of crab dip, and decided that the world was in a bad state.
8 So, Thomarse' ventured unto the courthouse and said to the people,
9 "What be wrong with you lot? Have you lost your minds?"
10 And then he proceeded to writhe around on the floor frothing at the mouth, the cloves of garlic from his pockets scattering across the floor.
11 As it happened, someone amongst the crowd of onlookers saw the cloves of garlic and said unto the crowd,
12 "This man has garlic!"
13 And after the time it would take for one to boil an egg, Thomarse' rose to his feet and said unto the crowd,
14 "I have seen the light! Sixty watts, I presume."
15 He then grabbed the man from the crowd by the shoulder and said,
16 "This man has also seen the light. He has witnessed the garlic. He is truly enlightened. He will henceforth be named Geoffrey and shall be my first apostle".
17 And then they both left the building, leaving a trail of garlic and disturbed citizens behind them.
18 And thus Thomarse' and Geoffrey travelled into the mountains, where Thormarse' trained his first apprentice in the ways of Truth, Life and Biscuits.

Chapter 2
And after Geoffrey's training, Geoffrey came down from the mountain and he was a changed man.
2 And after having been trained and taught by The Supreme Thomarse', he knew how to live a life of true wellbeing and happiness.
3 So, he travelled to the nearest car yard and found himself a wife. And they travelled to Vegas and became married in a small neon-lit chapel by a large-priest-elvis-impersonator.
4 And after becoming married they moved into a small shack made from bark and eggshells, and they build a large enclosure out of chicken wire.
5 And it happened that Thomarse' must have conjured a miracle, because six moons after they wedded, Geoffrey and his wife had 24 children.
6 11 boys, 11 girls, and 2 deformed freaks they were, and much thought went into their names.
7 The boys were called fan-forced oven, fan-forced oven, fan-forced oven, fan-forced oven, fan-forced oven, fan-forced oven, fan-forced oven, fan-forced oven, fan-forced oven, fan-forced oven and fan-forced oven.
8 The girls were named garlic bread, garlic bread, garlic bread, garlic bread, garlic bread, garlic bread, garlic bread, garlic bread, garlic bread, garlic bread and garlic bread.
9 And the two remaining mutants were named Herb Bread and Cooking Pot.
10 And the children were of the same age, and they were all locked in the large chicken wire cage and fed daily with porridge, pizza, water, milk and garlic bread.
11 Soon they learn the English language from mule who happened to reside within the enclosure and thus Geoffrey said unto them,
12 "Hello my children! You are all miracles of Thomarse' and the God of Garlic, and you are here because of his teachings and his word. Now, it is your destiny to breed and become many!"
13 And several weeks later there were at least 30,000 children in the large chicken wire enclosure, and Geoffrey looked upon this and said it was good.
14 And it happened that Geoffrey and his wife sold all their organs on the black market and sold their teeth and bones to ivory merchants.
15 And with their money they bought a large mansion, a pirate ship, and many jewels and laptops, and servants with monocles, and they lived in peace and happiness until the end of their days.

© 2003 JimSoft