JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> Mr. Spetnik
By Nomad

"Mr Spetnik, I presume," said Markus, as he slowly peeled the skin off a banana. "Nothing to say, eh? Hmmm.. I'd be speechless too, if I was you."

Markus finished peeling his banana, opened a drawer in his desk, and carefully placed the peeled banana inside. He closed the drawer, lent back, put his feet on his desk, fell backwards off his swivel chair, got up, straightened his clothing, stood the seat back up, and then resumed his position on it. "Yes.. yes indeed," he said, as if to justify his recent movements.

"Now, Mr Spetnik, I'm not a cruel man. I'm not a monster. But I'm going to be blunt: I don't like babies. I really don't. Do you know what they remind me of? They remind me of old people. Very very old people, who have become short and bald and unable to speak. Now, old people don't bother me. With luck, I might become an old person in the future. But I will certainly want to end my life before I end up looking like one of those crawling bald short old people who ride around in prams and eat mushed food from cans."

Markus leant back again, more carefully this time, and crossed his legs on the desk. "Look, I'm not a smart man. But I'm not stupid either." Markus lowered his voice to a whisper. "But I don't appreciate your continued silence".

Markus waited a few more moments. The mop on the other side of his desk was obviously not going to say anything, not matter what sort of mind-trickery he used on it. It was a smart mop, Markus realised, and it knew how to keep its mouth shu-

"Wait!" said Markus. "You don't have a mouth!"

Markus ripped his report in half and threw it into the waste paper basket. Great! Another mystery solved, another case out of the way. The answer had been so simple. Markus was looking for a deeper reason for the mop's refusal to communicate, but after realising the solution, it seemed so blatantly obvious!

"You are free to leave, Mr Spetnik," said Markus. "Sorry for the inconvenience, I was unaware of your disability. Do you get some kind of disability benefits? You should, you know. The rest of the staff have an unfair advantage over you. So, you are free to leave. Goodbye." Markus fixed the mop with and icy stare. The mop didn't move an inch. It just sat there, with that same mocking silence, with that same blissfully ignorant eyeless stare. "I will ask you one more time, Mr Spetnik. Please vacate the area. Okay, I'm sorry, but you've crossed the line." Markus reached under his desk and hit the red button. "Security are on their way, Mr Spetnik. Security are on their way. Farewell!" And with that, Markus threw an Oxford Dictionary (1997 edition) at the mop as a diversionary tactic, and then dived over the desk toward the door. He opened it, leapt out, and then slammed it behind him.

© 2003 JimSoft