JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> Donkey--How The Universe Came To Be
By Nomad

One day there was a donkey who lived in a paddock. He had lived in this paddock for about 5 years, and it was quite a large paddock, with lots of grass. In the corner of the paddock was one of those round water-holding things with a ball floating in it, so that when the water drops down to a certain level it automatically refills itself.

This donkey didn't have to be in the paddock. Donkeys are the only creatures in the universe who have worked out how to travel faster than light. A long time ago, back in their home planet, Chakeceese, things had been bad. They were all breeding too much, and their planet was slowly becoming filled with too many donkeys. All the resources were disappearing, and things were starting to look grim. But then, one smart donkey discovered that if you concentrated really, really hard, you could make something travel faster than light. For example, he put a grain of sand on a table, stared at it and concentrated until his eyes really hurt, then suddenly it travelled to a different galaxy at a speed about 70 times faster than light. He taught some of his colleagues how to do this, and they started up a school where any donkey could first learn how to move sand, and then learn how to move larger objects like ships and at different speeds in different directions. You see, a donkey's brain is very special, and I could write a whole thesis on how it all works, but I'll save that for another time.

So, the donkeys decided that they should keep a close eye on everyone in the universe. Why? Because the president of Chakeceese really wanted to know how to make the perfect cup of tea. Not just any cup of tea. The perfect cup of tea. On Chakeceese and archaeological dig had found some ancient relics of their donkey ancestry which depicted that a magical perfect cup of tea could be brewed, but it was very hard to acquire the exact amounts of the right properties to put into it. Apparently, anyone who drank the perfect cup of tea would become powerful and immortal.

So, this one donkey happened to be stationed in this paddock, and he had to watch everything from inside the paddock to see if he could find any information about the magic cup of tea. It was rather strange really, because this donkey didn't really expect anyone to be brewing tea in a paddock, so why on earth was he stationed there? He had asked his superior this once, who had just replied, "Look, anything is possible. And besides, if you were stationed in a café, people might get a little suspicious."

It had been five years, and this donkey was finally fed up. He decided to take a stand. He concentrated really hard, and make the entire fence surrounding the paddock zip off into a black hole about ten thousand light-years away. He then casually walked away from the paddock and toward the nearest town: Angstville.

Meanwhile, in Angstville, a young lady in a café didn't know it, but she was brewing the perfect cup of tea. She had added just the right amount of everything and all it needed now was 1 drop of tomato sauce. Luckily, the elderly customer had ordered a tomato sauce sandwich with his cup of tea. The café worker smothered the piece of bread with tomato sauce, and slammed the other piece of bread on top of it, sending tomato sauce everywhere, and 1 drop of it landed exactly in the tea. The tea turned bright green, let out a quiet "Bwahhahahaha.." and then returned back to its normal state.

By this time, our donkey rebel had found his way into Angstville. He had quickly darted into a Laundromat, and covered himself in a duffle coat, a top hat, and a large pair of sunglasses, which was the perfect disguise. As soon as he had put it on, all the humans stopped paying attention to him, and every now and then a kind one would say "Hello Sir" to him.

He was walking down the main street of Angstville when he suddenly heard a loud explosion. KA-BOOM! A café about 40 meters from him had just exploded. A large mushroom-shaped cloud was moving up into the sky and bits of debris and ash were falling everywhere. An elderly man emerged from the rubble, with green glowing skin. "Bwahahaha!" he roared, "I feel so powerful! I don't even have to use my walking stick to walk! And look! I can shoot lightning from my arms!"
He then shot some lightning from his arm, which made a large oak tree explode into flames.

"Woah!" thought the disguised donkey, "This is must be the perfect cup of tea! Finally, my big break!"
He trotted to the nearest payphone and phoned the president of Chakeceese.

The donkey president of Chakeceese sat on his throne, surrounded by guards and tufts of the finest grass. Suddenly, his golden-plated phone rang. He picked it up with his hoof. "Yes? You've what? Woah! Finally, we've found it! Yes? Yes, of course. Yes, you'll be famous. No, no, it's okay. Yes, I'll buy you a monkey. Okay, 2 monkeys. Yes? Okay, let me write this down. Hmm.. yes… earth? Hahaha, whatever you say. Yes, the royal fleet will be there in 20 seconds. Yep, okay, bye!"
He hung up the royal phone. "We've found it! Prepare the royal donkey-fleet. We're going to earth!!"
He galloped down the halls to his docking back, and galloped up into the largest ship. "Are we all set to go?" he asked the one-eyed peg-legged donkey captain.
"Yes. We've been ready and waiting for years."
"Woo!" replied the president. "By the way, I'll drive."
He then concentrated really hard, and then they all suddenly appeared in earth's orbit.

Back down in Angstville, our donkey hero was chasing the old man and biting at his ankles. The old man could have turned and struck the donkey with lightning, but it never occurred to him. He was too busy running in circles. Suddenly the whole place went dark and the old man and the donkey stopped and looked up. The fleet of donkey-shaped ships were coming down and had blocked out the sun. A huge cage was dropped on the old man, and he was hoisted up into the ship. A beam of light came across the donkey, and he was also beamed up into one of the ships.
Then the fleet of ships backed away from the earth, and the president shot a huge laser and blew the earth into oblivion, just for the comedy value.

And so, in the end, the old man had his stomach surgically removed and all the magical tea was extracted, and he lived a long and prosperous life being the only surviving human in the universe, and being a live floating head inside a jar. Luckily he was being pumped with lots of chemicals, which made him feel very happy so it really wasn't a bad life.

As for our donkey hero, he became a general in the president's donkey-fleet, and because the donkey president drank the perfect tea and became powerful and immortal, the donkey species took over the universe and enslaved everyone on every planet, using their donkey fleet and special their unique donkey powers. Thousands more donkey fleets and donkey colonies were formed, for the purpose of trying to find the perfect cheese and the perfect grass, which are two different stories altogether.

And so, the donkey president soon renamed the universe "Donkey Land" and then decided that he was God, and made everyone everywhere worship him, and create donkey-president shrines. And then they used the cells of the old man on a planet, which they called "earth" and although the humans started off as apes, they slowly evolved into humans again. The reason the president did this was to honour the memory of humans, who were the discoverers of the perfect cup of tea. And to this day humans still live on this planet, and there are still donkeys in some places watching the humans, but the humans still live relatively happy lives, and they still worship the donkey president, even though they don't know it.

The End.

© 2003 JimSoft