JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> GustavBilly
By Lemur

Billy seemed an average kid, Good at school, sun burnt like a dog with a bone in its ear. EAR. But Billy had a secret, his undying and everlasting deep affection for lamp posts and golf clubs. Basically any sexy looking straight piece of metal. As you can image it is quite hard to live with when you fall in love with a seventy year-old widow with no life except opening and closing cupboard doors for moderate pay.

Although Billy once found himself in such a situation, it is not the focus of this particular story.

One evening, when billy was at home playing with his golf clubs in his room, his mother stormed in. "BILLSON!" she screeched. "God is on the phone to you!"

Billy walked down stairs and picked up the phone.

"Ahahahaha... hehe.... you see... you like metal objects in a sexual manner. Hahahaha... ah..." said the booming Santa-esque voice.

"What??" Stuttered Billy "Who told you?"

But all he heard was the phone cluttering onto the reciever, and that annoyinging beeping.
Billy shook with fear! After fear let go of his hand and commented on his handshake Billy decided to stop wasting time and get working on a plan to undo his shoelaces with his teeth. He bent over to try and bite his foot, but fell to the ground. Under a nearby cabinet he saw something that made his heart tremble and his soul fly. It was a Soul-Fly Heart Tremble-amatic 6000. Billy knew what to do.

Instead of sharing his icecream sundae with his dog, he chose instead to try the Sould-Fly Hear Tremble-Amatic 6000 on his left leg. Being strangely prone to engaging in sexual relationships with metallic objects, he engaged in a sexual relationship with this newfound metallic object.

Suddenly, Billy stopped and looked up at the reader.

"Don't give me that disgusted look!" he said "Everything that you are seeing me do here is just your mind's simulation, so if it's gross, you're the actual gross one for visualising it."

And with that out of the way, he had the greatest and most enjoyable few hours in his life, without a worry in the world. Except those pesky carpet burns.

Billy decided to do the right thing and take the Soul_Fly Heart Tremble-amatic 6000 out for dinner at the local italian restaurant. After a nice dinner he noticed something out of the corner of his eye.., the best and most pretty Fork he had ever seen. He leapt up, apologised to his date, grabbed the fork and headed for the door. Then he noticed the door, dropped the fork and ran away with the door draped over his shoulder.

He then proceeded to enter the nearest outdoor store and purchased a catamaran. With this catamaran, he set off on the most amazing adventure of his life.

Some months later, Billy returned with a life-size memento of the Eiffel Tower, three Visas for Egypt, and an entire bag of German candy. He then returned to the door he left lying outside the outdoor store. Once he arrived at the outdoor store, he noticed an ironic pun. "Isn't it amazing that I stored my door outside an outdoor store?"

After basking in the irony, and adding the pun, "Mmm... iron," he went into the nearest public restroom, shaved off his beard, took off his Turban, and then pushed President Bush into the electric hairdryer has he was trying to apologise mistaken identity.

As he left the Outdoor store, it exploded, and he jumped off a pier into the sea, MacGuyver style.

And with that, without a boat, he sailed off, into the sunrise. He knew he should have left it later to make it more dramatic and stuff, but how often is the president of the USA in an outdoor store public restroom? No more than 7 times a day I say.

Farewell Billy, may the Shiny spoons and the Fly Forks be with you often. You sick bastard.

Normally, this would end such a tragic romance. But alas, nothing, just alas. Twenty-five years and seven misaligned picture hooks later, Billy returned. He had changed somewhat. Deciding he was quite hungry, not having eaten since sailing away on nothing many decades ago, he visited a Food Shop, aptly named, Motorcycle Spare Parts.

He consumed a number of things which didn't resemble anything less than boiled tortoise toenails.

Once realising this peculiar similarity, Billy immediately changed his diet to consist of curdled vegetables and flat Coke. He vowed, then and then, to vow not to consume anything but this combination some time in the future.

Then, to his dismay he was hit by a car. A 5 piece band froze the story and walked out and started playing dramatic music, and the story continued, as Billy got back up and said "You... you hit me!" to the car.

But, he realised it was too late for a witty remark now, as his ghost was dragged up into the clouds.

It was there that he noticed a distinct lack of metal and started sobbing. He demanded to be reincarnated as a toaster. But god knew a toaster trying to make love to itself was no good to anyone, so God, reincarnated Billy as 33 year old Swede named Gustav. Gustav was happy to be back and suddenly felt the intense need to eat icecream with 5 spoons and a fork.

Gustav had a wife and seven kids, eight of which weren't hers, and six of which were his neighbors. He owned a quaint six-story bungalow with air conditioning. Interior decoration was his passion, so, armed with a can of paint and two elongated squirrel-mashing devices, he began making pikelets.

Inspired by his pikelet-making ability, Gustav created a pikelet-making factory specialising in the production of quality pikelets.

His motto became, "If it ain't been beat with a bike yet, it ain't good for a pikelet."

And after painting that in pig blood all over the walls of the nearest stomach, he went outside and had a flashback to the time him and his father used to skip little children across the water, in the winter.

Some call it ice skating, but to Gustav it was always skipping. Of course his father was a big part in his life, he always told Gustav, "My leg is stuck in the fire again, HELP" Gustav took his fathers advice and said one thing that made everyone smile: "The End"

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