JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> Funky Bob
Brown Pants
By Lemur
Funky Bob was hip man. Funky Bob knew all the tricks to get the ladies. Funky
Bob was rich, rich as Microsoft. But funky Bob had one weakness, one fatal flaw
that would be his end.., and it was. Since Funky Bob died last winter during the
colder months of winter being cold and all he is now deceased. So that is why he
is no longer interesting to anyone but that guy from Seinfeld who used to blow
things up and shoot people.
This story is about a man whose name is easy to type, its easier that way. Pit
was an attractive young Labrador; she frolicked about freely until she found a
Bright Orange man making love to a camel. She stopped, stole a gram of cocaine
that was lying near the camel and departed on a wonderful trip. As she inhaled
that sweet scent, took that wonderful flight and came down gracefully at the
other end she knew going to Denmark to see tulips was the best thing she had
ever done. Using a cunning plan of taping the cocaine to her forehead and taking
her top off, she distracted the other dope sniffing Labradors quite easily.
Pit slowly frolicks about Denmark as anyone would do, until…. (insert dramatic
music here, substitute dramatic music for recording of ride on tractor running
rake and seven chickens if desired) she decided not to frolick any longer and
find a new way home. She thought about catching a bus, but decided it could be a
bit heavy! (ba doom chich) she even thought about cathing a train, but she
thought that would be a bit heavy too! (Ba duuuuhhhhhh). She also had the option
of catching an ocean liner, but she was sure that was far too heavy!! (Ba
Bitchslap, Punch, Kick, Nutcrack, Ouch) So she decided to catch a plane, because
it was a fast economical way to travel. (Cowers in fear) And while that was
happening, something completely different was occurring on the top of a hill
where two old farmers appeared to be talking in slang acronymic terms about a
tractor.
Farmer One:
Ooooh, shes a fit bird that shifty shaft.
Farmer Two:
Aye, that one will pull the lyrebird out of your hammock, but don't expect it to
suck the marmelade like they did in the old days.
F1:
Nooo, But she's got the insurance to make the custard go milky, it'd pull the
cods off a 4 foot Labrador that would. Don't expect it to suck your kneecaps,
but it flies like a chicken and pulls the mustard. Pangs like a goat in a
whorehouse.
F2:
Aye.
F1:
Aye.
F2:
Aye.
F1:
Ayye.
F2:
You wanna blow me weasel?
F1:
Aye.
F2:
Aye.
F1:
Aye.
And as farmer one winked knowing, he spat the hay from his mouth, wiped the dirt
from his hands and got up to acts so indescribable that if I described them my
head would implode and my legs would spasm wildly into the computer desk waking
up several people and ensuring I'd never get a hot breakfast ever again this
week until next Sunday. Now if you want to know that the farms were doing please
function your box thinger to www.jimsoft.net/newhardcordfarmsexpicturesthatwillrotyourmindandmakeyourecoilinfear/
I am sure that sub domain is so there already, after all its quite common. If
you don't believe me I defy you to make love to fifteen chickens, send $62,000
in unmarked $5 bills to the RSPCA or your local KFC, then go and say "Hello Joe,
Sucky Two Dolla" to the most horniest little computer nerd in the world who has
$2. Be warned, finding a geek with $2 is hard, finding a geek that is Horny is
not. And according to this story all farmers are gay. Lets just leave it at that
should we? Aye.
©
2003 JimSoft