JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> Gordon
By Tobes

The imported llama rind puree was refreshing, to say the least, but Gordon found its aftertaste slightly bitter and set off forward in attempt to go back to the convenience store. After a comprehensive back reconstruction resulting from attempts to move in two directions at once, he finally reached the store five minutes after leaving the hospital. He entered the shop through the rear of the exit, and approached the counter. The counter backed away at first, sensing hostility, but soon realised its place, and no longer attempted to possess human characteristics.

Originally intending to buy a carton of milk, Gordon walked away with a carton of milk. Perplexed, he returned and bought a pair of prosthetic legs. He fitted them to his arms, and proceeded to walk on his hands. He found much amusement in this, but wasn't quite satisfied, so nailed a photo frame to his right eyelid. He returned home to find his dog that he didn't have had run away, and was devastated. Gordon didn't have a job, and decided to look for one. He ransacked his house for days but the minutes of endless searching proved hopeless and he fell onto the wall, exhausted.

As he slept, a large sofa fell from the floor onto his face, crushing his legs. Not his prosthetic legs, his real ones. But Gordon was prepared. He removed the prosthetic legs from his arms, and put them where his old legs used to be. Alas, he had lost the use of his hands, and sewed turtles onto them in the hope his mail would be delivered on time. It was. Overjoyed, Gordon threw a huge party. He sustained massive ligament damage in throwing the party, and was institutionalised in a brothel for seven long years.

In the brothel he learnt to cross stitch, which was quite an achievement as he didn't have any hands. He became the president of the local cross stitch club, which had one member who was dead. Gordon's life was turned upside down when someone inverted him. He loved food but unfortunately for Gordon he had no mouth. He ate by eating, a strange yet accepted process. His diet consisted of grilled furniture, moths and steel garages. The garages sometimes caused him severe indigestion, but nothing that couldn't be cured by toilet deodoriser.

One day Gordon went ten pin bowling. He invited his friends, but as he had none, they didn't turn up. He was disheartened, but after quick emergency surgery thanks to a generous donor, was reheartened once again. He made a quick decision to bowl by himself, inspired by the 'This goes with that at Sussan' theme song. Approaching the lane, he pulled out a large Chinese wok and began making fried rice. He wondered why the rice was so crunchy and then realised he was using pre-cooked chicken frames instead. Before bowling he played a game of pool against himself and lost. Twice. He became aggravated, but had to wait a few days before his deed poll was approved. Finally, three and a quarter seconds and a handful of chopsticks later, his name was changed to Colin. However, he didn't know this, and neither did anyone else.

One day Colin/Gordon won a competition he didn't enter. Unfortunately, on the way to claim his prize, he became disoriented and began swimming across the lawn in front of the crematorium. At the time this was seen as an offence, and he was shot dead so many times that he resurrected himself thanks to a nearby pancake. I stand corrected. It was a donkey, not a pancake. The donkey went on to become a respected business figure and had a lovely wife and many small donklets.

2003 JimSoft