JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> Span's
Search For The Meaning Of Life
By Nomad
Span walked through the swamps, talking to the voice in his head.
"Look mate" he said in a harsh tone "When I said I wanted to find the meaning of
life, I never knew i'd have to go through all this to find it"
"All what?" replied the voice "Did you expect to just walk into a store and find
the meaning of life? Did you think it was that easy?"
"Well..." span replied "We all wonder about the meaning of life from time to
time. Just because I decided to jump on the band wagon, it doesn't mean that you
had to force me to walk out into this swamp, looking for a wise old man who
probably doesn't even exist."
"You really are an idiot aren't you?" said the slightly irritated voice in
Span's head. "I didn't force you to do anything. I don't even exist. It's just
your insanity has driven you do invent a charactor in your head, so that you
could go on a stupid journey to find the meaning of life".
"Listen to ME, you stupid thing" he said in the most serious voice he could
muster "I invented you, and I can just as easily replace you with a more
friendly voice in my head. Yes.... It could sound like Sean Connery and
encourage me and stuff."
"You wouldn't dare" said the voice.
"Oh yes I would" said Span "So you better pretend like this journey is all worth
while and stuff, or you're gone."
After that there was silence. In Span's head at least. In the swamp through
which he was wading there were all sorts of sounds. Mosquitoes rushing past his
face, the wind rushing past his face and a poison-tipped arrow rushing past his
face. After a short while he started to feel the mud of the swamp rushing past
his face as he fell headfirst into it.
After a while Span decided that, although drowning might seem like an attractive
offer, it did have it's cons like: being dead, and rotting in a swamp, and not
knowing the meaning of life, and other things. So, after all this had run
through his mind, he stood up. The voice started up in his head again.
"Luuukke. You must use the-- wait. Sorry, wrong script"
"Errr... what?" Span replied in a puzzled tone.
"Sorry" the voice apologized "I do a lot o voices in people's heads. You're not
the only person I pester. I mean, jeez, i've got about 20 simultainious
customers today, and sometimes a get a little confused.
"You're making all this up aren't you?" Span enquired
"No" replied the voice "You are"
"Oh" said Span "Well I guess that's settled.
By this time they was just about a 15 inch screen full of size 10 Arial text,
until suddenly an old man appeared. Well, he didn't really appear. In actual
fact he had been standing next to Span for the last 10 minutes asking him if he
was okay, and pulling a poison tipped arrow out of his shoulder.
"AH! How did you appear like that?" Span asked the old man.
"Stop calling me old man" the age-impaired man said "And don't call me 'age-impared'
either. Just call me 'the swamp man'. I'm really not that old. I mean, sure,
i've been wandering these swamps for thousands of years, but i'm not nearly as
old as him" he pointed his finger at a little green fellow who was
concerntrating on levetating a ship out of the swamp.
"What the... oh never mind" said Span. He then sat down on a log which, quite
coincidently, was the only log in the entire swamp which wouldn't fall apart and
cause Span to fall into the swamp. At the last moment, before sitting down, Span
changed his mind because he saw a larger log, and he sat on that. It, of course,
was rotten through to the center, and caused him to fall into the mud. He got
up, brushed himself off, and stared at the swamp man. "How do you keep your
tattered rag so white and shiny?" he asked.
"Well" replied the swamp man "all you really gotta go is remain standing all the
time, and avoid the jet skis when possible."
A few more paragraphs of text were edited out before Span said "Let's get to the
point. I've came here to ask you what the meaning of life is. You're a wise old
guy in a swamp, and you should know."
The swamp man looked at Span with a slightly amused expression on his face, but
he became deep in thought. A while later he brushed the moss and spiderwebs off
this shoulders and tapped Span, to wake him up.
"Wha... what?" said Span.
"I've thought about your question" said the swamp man "and i've decided that the
answer is no."
"Ah" said Span.
Span walked away from the scene with a profound look of satisfaction on his
face, and the old man walked away from the scene with 2 broken legs, 2 splints,
a hole in his wallet and a trail of coins behind him..
Span quickly fired the voice in his head, and hired Sean Connery, who agreed
with Span that an old man in a swamp wouldn't know anything about life. Span
decided to go and see God, because God would have to know what the meaning of
life was, since he had supposedly created it. Span tried to make reservations,
but he couldn't get one. God was just too busy, controlling the weather, the
Pope and his playstation2. Span decided that he may as well buy God's book and
have a bit of a read. He soon discovered that the only way to get an apointment
with God was to die. And since he really wanted to know the meaning of life,
Span jumped off a building which quite convieniently had appeared under his
feet.
Within moments he was in a horrible place which reminded him of a set from the
Brady Bunch, and he could smell the faint aroma of cheese. There was a mug of
coffee on the table in front of him, and he took at sip. It was cold.
"AHHHHHHH!!!" Span screamed, as he came to the slow realization that he was in
hell.
Suddenly Satan appeared before him. A trapdoor in the floor slowly opened, and
he rose up on a platform, holding a steaming jar of liquid nitrogen in some
tongs, to hide the fact that he was entering through a trapdoor. Satan was a
short balding man, who looked as weak as a lamb. Once his platform had come to a
halt, he threw the liquid nitrogen aside, and said "I.... am.... satain.." in a
weak unpunctuated statement.
Span stared at Satan, then at the crusty Brady Bunch set, then at a fake plastic
pot plant.
"AHHHHHHH!" Span screamed again "I could never have imagined that hell would be
this bad. I am so dissappointed! I was expecting so much... and then... the
dissappointment.."
A smile slowly formed on Satan's lips. "That was the idea, you know." he said.
"Heaven is much the same, you know..."
"Really!?" Span asked.
"No.." answered Satan. "Not really. But, let's put that matter aside. I must now
send you back to earth."
"Why?" asked Span
"Well..." replied Satan. "It was getting kinda boring... and.... ummm...."
Satan raised his hands into the air, and about 30 mini bread rolls fell from
within his jacket and bounced across the floor. "Poof!" he cried, and Span awoke
on the ground in front of a building, with a throbbing headache. He looked up at
the building and realized it was only 1 story high, which would explain why he
didn't die. "My oh my, where did you find that pie?" exclaimed Dianne "And don't
cry. We've all tried to fly when the end is nigh, but it is the pie which you
must buy, or lie to the woolen tie."
"What?"
Dianne adjusted her glasses "Errr, sorry. Wrong religion." she said, and then
walked off.
Span sat on the ground for a little longer, wondering when this story was going
to end, but, more importantly, wondering how he would find out the meaning of
life. He obviously couldn't ask God, or an old man in a swamp, so he saw a radio
and asked that.
"Radio.." he said "What is the meaning of life?"
He turned up the volume. "The answer in blowing in the wind... the answer is-"
Span smashed the radio against the ground, and then kicked it.
There was only one thing left. Logic. "What is the meaning of life?" he thought.
And then it came to him. But before he could tell anyone, his guts decided to
get a little caught up in a piano, which had been falling from a plane for the
last ten years.
And, to top things off, random letters:
gsbksugksgsfgesfvszgectyint7yi8uo;mwetvhjfhjkkedhjnmeurirfifirirf8
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