JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> Envelope Spasm
By Lemur

“SPASM” he screamed. He being our central character personite and he being named Sturvan. Sturvan was a dill. Sturvan usually had a lot of sexual relations with fridge magnets, but this was his day. Today he was going camping.

“I am going camping” he said to his toaster. He packed only the essentials, a tent, 3 sausages and a Commodore 64. He ran outside and jumped onto his horse, or into his car, whatever you feel is more insane. How about he jumps into his horse? That’ll do. He ran outside and Jumped into his Horse. He drove his horse 7 feet to the left and got out. He breathed in that 7-foot-rom-where-you-usually-park-your-horse air and got out his tent. Now this is where the fun would start, except Sturvan was unusually boring. He woke of an afternoon, got out of bed, made toast, then sat on the couch watching “Who’s turn is it to be funny anyhow” until it was bed time, leeching of a large inheritance that he was lost when his uncle, a greyhound, left him.

Sturvan erected his tent and lit a big camp fire in it. He didn’t want his fire to get dirty on the ground after all. He tried roasting some marshmallows, but they all started to taste like burning flesh and plastic. He abandoned his fire and decided to go on a hike, He soon came across some wildlife, it appeared to be a camel. Woo Camel.

The Camel was large, singularly humped and only had one lump on its back. It then proceeded to do the strangest thing, with some clumsularity it opened a small packet, dropped its contents on extremely well placed rock that was un naturally flat and happened to have a razor blade on it. He proceeded to cut up the pile of powder and snort it through both nostrils. Yes, this cocaine was on camel (bound to have some overspray) and the camel was doing cocaine. The camel suddenly went bug eyed and let out a loud howl before attacking Sturvan, who instead of running had stood there stupidly. The Camel dragged Sturvan into his secret camel lair (how the fudge a camel purchases a lair, or even erects one is beyond me but its my story and I can make the camel have a damn lair if I want. Do you really believe anyone would call their kid Sturvan? Hello! Its all made up. I am not even going to explain this, if you are complaining about the lair you’re stupid. Its totally like “Camel on cocaine, yep. Camel cutting his cocaine, yep. Camel purchasing cocaine, okay. CAMEL HAVING A SECRET LAIR? I HAVE TO BITCH ABOUT THIS!! And that’s stupid.) and pointed to a message written in Camel notation on the wall that said “IamHighOnCocaineAndAoutToMakeSweetSweetLoveToYouBaby” Scared, but slightly aroused Sturvan said “I am scared, but slightly aroused”. The camel then pointed to another camel notation on a cupboard door that said that said “IfYouCanReadThisYouAreTooClose” Sturvan read this and he was subsequently smacked in the head with a cupboard door, which flew open for no other reason that the sake of a head injury. Sturvan fell unconscious to the floor and laid there in a state of unconsciousness, unconscious thinking of three words “Unconscious, Unconscious, Testicles” Suddenly, or just seemingly fast Sturvan regained consciousness and was no longer unconscious. He looked around and was shocked to find he wan no longer wearing his pants. He was dressed in a pair of shorts. He Smiled.

Sturvan somehow found himself in his house again, when he saw a strange message written on the wall: ‘HoneyDoYouWantSomeBeans?’ he knew only one person spoke like that and ran into the kitchen screaming “Grandad!” he was shocked to find the camel, now adorned with a wedding ring, a wedding certificate with Sturvan A. Kuffie clearly visable in unusually large text on it. Stuvan was shocked and asked the obvious question “What sort of beans are they?” The camel pointed to a message on the kitchen wall that said ‘TheyAreStringBeans,OhAndWeGotMarriedWhileYouWerePassedOut’. Sturvan screamed a blood curdling scream and said “TAKE THOSE BEANS OFF THE STOVE, YOU’LL OVERCOOK THEM!!!” He then proceeded to go into 3.43 minutes of staring into space before he said “Wow, were married? How the hell did you pre empt all my thoughts? And Are those beans genetically modified?” The camel pointed to another camel notation on the wall that said “YesWeAreMarriedHusband,IamACamel,ICanDoThat,WouldIBuyAnythingElse?”
Sturvan fronwned and said “Do you have to write every damn communication on my god damn walls? I just painted them you know” the camel rolled her eye’s and pointed behind Sturvan where he read “YesIDoICantSpeakYouFool,AndThoseWallsHaveNeverBeenPaintedEvenIknowThat” to which Sturvan said “Damn it, I always envisioned a female cocaine addict animal of a wife, but this writing id hard to live with” Sturvan wrote “I need a walk, be back soon” on the wall, the Camel, named Beatrice (it was a part of an earlier non covered Camel notation, trust me) nodded her head up at a message to Sturvan’s rear “ThisIsToYourRear” then one to his left that said “YouDick,YouCanSpeak,WhyWriteOnTheWall?” to which Sturvan wrote “Oh Man, I screwed up there” before he was simultaneously hit with a camel hoof travelling at 93.2Km/h into the left side of his head and some divorce papers into the right.

Sturvan was amazingly remained conscious after the camel hoof impact (But a cupboard door will render him unconscious, go the Physics) and said “If you can prempt every thought I have and answer it with writing before I ask, and your Psychic, why did you marry me if you knew it would end? Beatrice motioned to the right where it said “IamUsuingYouForSex” to which Sturvan replied “We never had sex, wouldn’t you be better off having sex with another camel anyhow?” Beatrice proceeded to beat herself about the head with her hoofs and motioned to a camel notation that said “DAMN, Sex, then divorce” Sturvan Chuckled to himself and turned to reminisce before hearing a very loud thud behind him. He looked around to find Beatrice dead, from blows to the head and suspected undercooked beans. He sobbed a small sob before getting out his frypan and vowing to make the best Camel jerky and steak ever and tastefully mount her skull on a post that says “NoDamnCamels” out the front of his house.

Sturvan lived a happy life, apart from his tent being shrunk to the size of a chip packet, he still enjoyed putting it on his head and sitting on the lawn 7 feet from where he used to park his horse. Sturvan died 7 years from Camel incident when he was tragically run over by a steam roller in a highly comical fashion. He was cleared of being the bad guy in any poorly scripted films and nobody missed him then, or now. Beatrice’s head disappeared in 1994 after a series of camel head snatchings.

© 2003 JimSoft