JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> Attention Span
By Lemur

I (now when I say I, I mean me. I’d say its rather cool being me, I mean women fall down at your feet, people say it’s the smell, but I think they fall unconscious grappling at their throats out of lust. Dad reckons once I get rid of my flea’s and my perm grows out I’ll pull the chics like they were on a lead, and.. a dog, on the lead. But, I am certain it’ll go well for me, I mean, I am a stud, I have hair where its supposed to be, apart from the odd think bunch that grows on my back in the shape of a tractor, but nobody looks there. In fact I’d say the birthmark on my forehead in the shape of an “L” would be more noticeable, but when people flush my head down the toilet every morning you can hardly see it because of my wet hair) walked (Boy am I good at walking, I once walked from my road to the shop and back 18 times in one day. Of course it only happened because I couldn’t carry all the eggs home at once, if I dropped 1 box it would have broken them all, 18 trips is much safer. Don’t question me as to why I made 18 trips when eggs only come in boxes of 12, its not relevant to the story. I am glad I don’t smoke, or eat nerds or other small things, it’d take me 3 days to get each bit home. Speaking of 3 days, I ate some chips today that were 8 days old. I found them down the back of the couch, I can’t remember what flavour they were, but they taste like chicken now. All in all I’d say I am the best walker in the history of people growing feet and standing on them) down (Speaking of down, you should have seen my uncle, god, he was down with me. He was spitting chips, I mean, I only reversed over his dog, ran over his son, had an affair with his ride on lawn mower and destroyed his crop of broccoli. The guy is just a control freak, if I hadn’t been on drugs at the time I’d have hurt him with my inflatable baseball bat) the (Duh, hahahaha, duh, man that word sounds funny as all stuff! I reckon there are a lot of words that sound funny when you break it down, like “Gut” or “Flat” or “Toad” you know someone was high on drugs when they called a Roofler a toad. I mean, Toad, what fun is that, Roofler is a much better name, Why would you call a small green oversized frog a toad, Roofler is the go!) road (Speaking of roads, you should have seen the one I fell down on yesterday, major internal injuries occurred, I wish I had tripped, instead of jumping off that moving lorry and screaming “YOU MOVE OR I’LL HIT YOU” to the tarmac. I tell you, that tarmac has some guts, because it didn’t budge, I admire that tarmac, TARMAC, YOU ROCK!)

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