JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> 7.5 Ducks
By CrazyJim and Lemur

There they stood. Three dumbfounded and confused fellows. Confused at their own conversation several minutes before, and dumbfounded at the fact that seven and a half ducks sat before them in the water. Though they didn't realise it at that point, one of them would abruptly announce the beginning of an adventure that would change their lives for at least five minutes.
You see, it all came down to one thing "Radioactivity". When 3 radioactive ducks are just floating there on a pond, its bound to be something you cannot call "Fruit Cup" or "Toast" some call it an accident, others call it "el nino" but for these guys there was only one word that could decribe this....

Upside down cake. Some may say it is, in fact, three words. This is an ignorant disregard for the truth. Saying that upside down cake is not one word is like saying the three individuals starring in this story aren't one collective individual. This may not make a lot of sense now, but by the time you hear the tale of the three fellows named Frank, Bob and Cleatus, you will understand why there were only seven and a half ducks inhabiting the water at that moment.

You see, obvouisly Cleatus had a problem with counting ducks, as when he says "Seven and a half" He obvoiulsy means "Three" and "Radioactive". But more on that later if we remember, you see Cletus, Bob and Frank had come to the Pond for a very special reason that day, not to see the *THREE* ducks, or even the pervert who exposed himself to tree's, no, this day they came to trade arms on behalf of their insurance broker.

Why would they trade arms on behalf of their insurance broker, you ask? You don't ask? Well, in case you were at all curious, they were trading arms on behalf of their insurance broker to allow their insurance broker to invest in genetic research and patent a new form of leg... a disposable leg.

The disposable leg concept was first concieved in 1924 when during one of the many cricket games that occured during that time, some cricketer felt the need to much away on an opponents leg. Knawing at it if you will (And why the bloody heck wouldn't you? What are you a snob?). So on that Albert Franklin, an avid hater of Cricket and diposable leg production decided to make disposable legs for Cricket players.

After several minutes of musing over the mis-counted ducks, Cleatus began the countdown to the initiation of the arms exchange. "Seven and a half," Frank ripped out a hacksaw from his pocket. "Nine," Bob pulled out a marker and began drawing a dotted line right around Cleatus' wrist and shoulderblade. "M," Cleatus rubbed his gleaming chainsaw, screaming "Yaaaaaaaarrrrrghhh!!!!" as he found out the hard way it was turned on. After Cleatus announced, "Zero!" the exchange would commence.

Suddenly the world as we know it changed, Cletus dropped his chainsaw, Bob Dropped his marker and frank Dropped his pants and screamed wildly "YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO PROBE ME" as a giant black spaceship covered the sun.

Cleatus and Bob, jaws dropped like french tomato hanging from a string and hung several centimetres from the ground, screamed "PUT IT AWAY!" as a crazed maniac jumped from behind the bushes and ambushed them. Laughing at the ironic pun, the four standing there almost forgot about the situation. Exchanging hearfelt goodbyes and beginning to walk away, the crazed maniac remembered his purpose.
He pulled something from his pants, its was long, hard and ready for action. He said to Cletus, "Hey, You want this in your mouth? I'll put it there, I'll do it to you, don't think I wont man, I am loaded and ready to fire" Cletus looked at what the strange man was holding and his jaw dropped, he'd never seen one that big! It was huge, it must have been 8 inches long. But then again you don't get to see that many guns when your in a mental hospital.

Suddenly slipping into a daze, Cleatus thought back on all the years he had spent in that mental hospital. Of all the things he ever did in there, nothing ever prepared him for such a situation. He had spent many wonderful years, had many wonderful experiences, but now that he was out he didn't feel he really wanted it. Suddenly not seeing the point anymore, he reawakened from his daze, screaming,
"Take me now!!" Looking up revealed a middle-aged woman dressed in a bright orange swimsuit. He found himself soaked and on a beach. The woman looked none too kindly on him now.

"I am sorry maam" Cletus said "I really didn't know that was your thigh" He said remembering the incident that had put him in the daze. Fearing for his life and his pretty boy face he ran from the cream yelling wildly "I HAVE BEEN TO SECOND BASE! I HAVE BEEN TO SECOND BASE" when he suddenly tripped over third base and was hit in the side of the head with a Baseball. He then decided that the Baseball stadium wasn't the best place to be running about with gay abandon.

Abandoning the lesbian, Cleatus suddenly awoke to Bob shaking him and Frank beating him with the branch from a nearby tree. The tree was their only means of survival, and without the branch it was proven useless, but the two of them found it to be a necessity to beat Cleatus with it.

And thus the story was to end with all of them realising all to late thier deadly reaction to poision Ivy. The guys never did manage to cut each others arms off, figures out what the spaceship was about, or how they managed to almost teleport from a Park, to a beach, then to a baseball stadium, but that is a mystery for the ages. And for people who want to consider it one. The End.

© 2003 JimSoft