JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> You Have Won The Lottery!
By CrazyJim

Why they chose to pick on me, I’ll never know. What I do know is that the task they handed me was far beyond what I was capable of complaining about. As a result, I had no choice but to take them up on it.

While I was out one evening, a very irritating bird-voiced camel had found its way into my back shed. It was there when I arrived home and decided on a whim to check on my lawnmower. To my surprise it had been replaced with a camel.

Asking it its name, I was shocked to find that it didn’t respond. “How rude,” I uttered.

I screamed as a voice from behind me spoke, “His name is Chester.” Spinning around, I screamed again to see the face of an old man who didn’t look a day over thirty. I decided to complement him, “You don’t look a day over forty.”

“I’m twelve,” he replied.

I screamed again as he laughed at me, “Fooled you good. I’m thirty-five. I’ve come to—” I didn’t get to here the end of his sentence, as I had run off screaming “Help! There’s a camel in my shed!”

Guiding my attention back to him with a very swift hand and a large piece of metal he found on the floor of my shed, the old man continued his life story, “I’ve come to announce that you’ve won the lottery.”

I screamed with joy. “Do you do this often?” he asked. I nodded and continued screaming and jumping about.

“Now, you must come with me to claim your prize.” Suddenly, something struck me.

“Wait… did you say I’ve won the lottery?” The old man nodded. “Does that mean ‘yes’?” The old man nodded. “How much did I win?”

The old man spoke, “We must not talk of your prize here. There are far more important matters we must discuss. The world is in danger of being taken over by escaped convicts from Sweden. It’s up to you to save us.

“I won the lottery!!” I screamed, following the old man as he walked his camel out of my yard.

Sixty-seven utterances of “Are we there yet?” later, we arrived at a large sign reading “SECRET HEADQUARTERS OF THE ANTI-ESCAPED-CONVICTS-FROM-SWE`DEN-TAKING-OVER-EARTH MOVEMENT (AECFSTOEMBYOB)”.

Reading the sign, I asked, “What does OF stand for?”

The old man spoke, “Seven.” I had a feeling that he was saying that just to shut me up, but I took his word on it anyway as he led me down a long, winding path.

“Get off that swivel chair!” the old man screamed at me, “Where did you find that, anyway?”

I pointed at an old abandoned wagon back at the start of the path, “I bought it from there for five dollars.”

“Hmm…” said the old man.
We soon arrived at a large wall with an even bigger door lodged in it. The old man whispered something, “We have come for the caterpillars.”

The door swung open like a door that had just been forced open by a very strong midget, and we walked on.

All around me, I heard strange voices screaming insults at each other.

“Hey!” I called, “I haven’t talked to you guys in a couple of days!”

“Who are you talking to?” asked the old man, looking around curiously.

I couldn’t be bothered introducing him, so I just said, “Oh, just some friends.”

From then on, the old man seemed rather uncomfortable in my presence, especially when I started screaming insults at him as part of a game of Truth or Dare.

The place was very, very dark. I couldn’t even see my feet, mostly because I was looking up and spinning around in circles yelling, “I have no toes!”

“Will you shut up!?” screamed a voice from above. I kept looking up and soon a face came into focus. It was the old man. He was at the top of a very high wall. “Are you going to climb the ladder or what?”

“What?” I called back, and started walking to the left. After a moment, I came to another wall. There was what looked like a curved door on the wall. I grabbed for a handle, but found there was no handle to be found. Suddenly, I remembered what the old man had said earlier. “We have come to eat candy,” I spoke.

A large pointy stick came through a small gap in the wall to my right. Curious, I looked at it, closing one eye and lining the other up to get a better look at it.

After screaming in pain on the floor for a few moments, I stood back up and tried the door again. Remembering the lack of a door handle, I repeated the words, “We have come to eat candy.” The same pointy stick appeared to my right. “Ha! You’re not gonna fool me this time!” I yelled. As I did, I noticed a sign to my left reading “Pull this lever” hanging above a large lever.

I had always made it my policy to do the opposite to what signs said, but today I decided to make an exception. I pulled the lever—unfortunately out of the wall. A vertical slit in the wall remained where the lever would once have followed. I quickly thew the lever into the air and screamed “We have come for the bloody caterpillars!”

The door swung open with the same midget-force as the door earlier, and I realised my mistake. “I mean to eat candy!!” My correction seemed to have worked, as the door stayed open. I stepped through and the door slammed shut with a loud “Hello!”

The door continued, “Why are you here?” I replied “You’re a door… you can’t talk.”

“I’m not a door,” the door objected. “I’m the head of the Pro-Escaped-Convicts-From-Sweden-Taking-Over-Earth Movement. Have you come to apply for our cause?”

“I’m here to eat candy,” I replied, indignant, “Everyone knows that.”

“Well, you’ll have all the candy you want here…” I was overjoyed, “…as long as you stop calling it ‘candy’ and start calling us ‘All-Powerful Guys Who I Do Stuff For’.”

I screamed.

“Ok, ok. Just ‘All-Powerful Guys’ then.”

I continued screaming.

“Why are you screaming?” asked the door.

“Stop calling it candy!? What sort of a door would request that I stop calling candy candy!!?”

“I AM NOT A BLOODY DOOR!” the door yelled at me.

I was confused. “I have come for the caterpillars!” I screamed and ran toward the door. I was crushed between it and the wall as it was thrust open as though a very strong midget had just forced it open.

Awaking to the familiar coming-to-after-having-been-out-for-a-few-days-after-hurting-myself feeling, and the usual not-knowing-where-I-was-because-I-had-been-moved-by-someone-while-I-was-unconscious disorientation, I screamed, “Who are you!!?”

I stood up suddenly. There was no apparent reason for me having stood up at that moment, and this perplexed me. Looking about, I saw nothing that would logically have caused me to stand up. Something distracted me and I looked down, catching site of my feet. It all made perfect sense now.

Having looked about before, I knew vaguely where I wanted to go. At this particular moment, I wanted to walk across the room to a large desk that seemed to have many large pieces of wood on it.

This is where I suddenly decided to end my adventure. It was getting monotonous and boring. Climbing through the roof of the large room via a catapult system I devised from the large wood things on the desk and my underwear, I ran as fast as I could to the edge of the field that lay before me. There I fell asleep and before I knew it I was back in the room.

Repeating this every day for several months I found highly amusing. As such, that is exactly what I did. When I got bored of that, I chose another corner. Currently, I am planning to head off to the northern corner of the field, and I have every intention of covering the far western corner within the next five weeks.

© 2003 JimSoft