JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> Smee And The Land Whale

Smee ran through the forest as fast as his could. He didn't want to turn back. He knew, that if he turned back, there'd be no turning back. In fact, if he even looked back, turning back would mean that he would be facing forwards, which would make turning forward or back or even looking back, would be a painful task that would end in costly spinal reconstruction surgery.
He knew the risks. He knew the price he'd have to pay. 790 dollars and 20 cents.How did he know that? Well, that's another story all together.

"Mr. Smee! Mr. Smee!"
Smee looked up from his Reader's Digest magazine. He had been reading an interesting article on a city near one of the poles of the earth, where it often became night time for a long time. But now was not a time for thinking about distant towns. He stood up and walked into his doctor's office.
"Mr. Smee, I presume?" said Dr. McNeal. "I want you to have a think about distant towns. Have a good think about them. Now, think about your spine. You realise, for the amount of money you'd pay for a complete spine reconstruction is the same price as a plane ticket from here to 'the village near the pole where it's night time a lot'. It's 790 dollars and 20 cents in fact."
"How did you know that?" asked Smee.
"Oh, I read it in that Reader's Digest book out there on the table" replied Dr. McNeal."They have lots of interesting facts and figures in them. You know, if you ever wanted to be a doctor, all you have to do is read and memorise about 20 of those, and you'll be qualified. Please sit back down Mr. Smee."
Smee had been backing away towards the door, thinking that perhaps he had walked into the wrong room. He took his seat again.
"As I was saying" said the Doctor "You have a strange condition that is nicknamed Canturn. Because you can't turn. Well, you can, but not when you're running away from a land whale."
"Wait a moment." said Smee. "Numbe one, what on earth is a 'land whale'? And number two, what is the real name of this 'Canturn' disease?"
"Mr. Smee. It's not a disease, it's a condition. It's actually called: 'Landwhaleicomovingofforwardebehindoneselfobutecanturnaroundemuch' but Canturn is a quicker way of saying it. So, as I said, as long as you don't turn around when being chased by a land whale, you'll be fine. Goodbye, Mr. Smee."
Smee got up and just as he was leaving he stopped and turned. "What on earth is a land whale?"
"Go out there, look on the table. Reader's Digest issue #6745."

So, instead of looking for a land whale, and spending money on a spine operation, he decided to spend his money on a holiday to a small town near one of the poles. And right now, Smee wished he had read that Reader's Digest issue. Because he was now being chased by a land whale, and he couldn't turn around, because he knew exactly how much it would cost him. The 'THUMP, THUMP, THUMP' was getting louder and louder behind him, just like a car with a flat tire coming down his driveway. Luckily, back at home, he had a very long driveway, so he knew that the whale was at least 300 meters behind him. He kept running through the jungle. The 'THUMP THUMP THUMP' was getting louder and louder. He would soon be like that person in the bible story that was eaten by a whale.
But then he heard something. "Smeeee!" He was pretty sure he had heard his name over the THUMPs. Was the land whale trying to talk to him? What was with this land whale anyway? How on earth was it moving towards him? He wished he could turn around and stare at it, just like the rest of the crowd was.
And then it hit him. He stopped dead in the center of the road. The THUMPs got louder, and the car pulled up beside him. He opened the door and got in.
"Smee, you idiot!" yelled Jerry. "You've made a scene. Now all these people are staring at us! Why did you run away?"
"I thought you were a land whale" replied Smee.
"Then why on earth didn't you just turn around?"
"Well, I would have. Except I have Landwhaleicomovingofforwardebehindoneselfobutecanturnaroundemuch"
"What on earth are you talking about?" asked Jerry.
"Don't ask" replied Smee. "How'd you get the flat tire?"
"What do you mean?" said Jerry. "This car doesn't have a flat tire."
Smee looked around. The crowd were still staring at them.
"Uh oh." said Smee.

Jerry was the first to wake up. He woke up, and looked around. They were still in their car, except something was wrong. Just to make sure, he took a pen out of his pocket, and let go. It flew upwards and stuck to the roof of the car.
"Yep" said Jerry "We're stuck in a time-space continuum."
"Nope." replied a slightly dizzy Smee. "We're upsidedown."
Smee clicked his seatbelt button, and, like the pen, flew upwards and hit the roof. With a few awkward kicks he managed to get the door open. Jerry slumped to the roof, and followed him out.
"Okay, we're either in a cave, or a time-space continuum, or a time-space continuum cave." said Jerry.
"Nope, we're in a land whale." said Smee.
"What's a land whale?"
"I'm not exactly sure." said Smee "Have you ever read Reader's Digest?"
"Yeah," said Jerry "I read a few pages of one in medical school. But then I got sick of it, and decided to seek a different career."
"How about the bible? Ever read that?" asked Smee.
"Nope."
"Oh well." said Smee, in a sad tone. " It looks like we're stuck here."
"No you're not." said a little voice from the corner of the cavern.
Both Smee and Jerry were startled. They turned around and saw and old man sitting against the wall (stomach wall) on a brightly coloured cushion. He was smoking a pipe, and had a little dog on his lap.
"No you're not." he repeated. "Many have came into the land whale, and escaped. Also, many have died of starvation. I'm here to show you the way."
Smee pinched his arm. "Is this a vision?" he asked.
"No, you idiot!" said the man. "I get paid to live in here. To show people the way out. All the tourists kept getting stuck in here, so I get paid to show them the way out."
"So, how do we get out?" asked Jerry.
"That's how." said the man. He pointed his index finger towards a big neon green "EXIT" sign, hanging above the metal door.
"Usually people get stuck in here." he continued. "You see, they come in here, and they walk around squarking about how they're going to get out, and about how they're going to get home and about how they're going to pay off the morgage, but they always fail to see the sign, or the door."
"Oh well." said Smee. "We'd best be off now. Thanks for the help."
They walked towards the door, and walked out into the sunlight. Once they were a few meters away from the whale, Jerry turned around.
"Oh! I get it now!" he said "No wonder that whale had a door! No wonder it was following us! No wonder that guy was inside! It's amazing! It all makes perfect sense now! Hey Smee! Smee! Turn around and have a look at this!"
"Yeah, and are you going to pay me 790 dollars and 20 cents?" asked Smee.
"What?" replied Jerry.
"Never mind. Let's just go home."
"Good idea." said Jerry.
"When I get home, I need to buy Reader's Digest issue #6745." said Smee.
"When I get home, I need to buy a new car!" replied Jerry.

And then they both said "Hmmmmm..".

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