JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> Wiftuck's Journey
By CrazyJim

It was early morning when a man stepped out of his house, which was a disgusting green colour with a large white stripe going all the way around the it. He was headed toward the local general store, equipped with his few hundred dollar notes he found a few days earlier looking for some spare underwear, as he had lost all his others when they got stuck in his garbage disposal. This man’s name was Wiftuck.

Out the front of his house a small driveway was situated. At the end of this was a large gate, hanging by one hinge onto the ground. Behind it was a small orange car with one grey door, and a bright yellow hood. The gate was between two small fences, one connected to the fence running all the way around the yard and the other connected to the side of the house.

He wasn’t far down his driveway when he spotted a person in a white straight jacket, running down the small road out the front of his house. He had obviously just escaped the mental institute next door. As Wiftuck watched him running down the front of his yard, the loonatic slipped, landed flat on his face and couldn’t get himself back up. At this, Wiftuck started laughing, almost falling over with laughter. The loonatic started squirming down the road, which made Wiftuck laugh even harder, giving him a stitch. Although it hurt, Wiftuck couldn’t stop laughing.

Soon, five men in white suits started running past his house, obviously after the loonatic who just squirmed past. They went straight past his house and soon came struggling back, with the loonatic held between them, three holding his legs and the other two holding his shoulders. The loonatic squirmed and squirmed, continuously yelling and trying to escape. At this, Wiftuck laughed harder than ever.

Wiftuck didn’t remember anything after that, as he soon fell unconscious with laughter. When he awoke, which was an hour and a half later, though he didn’t realise, he jumped up immediately and sprinted down his driveway and started down the long road out the front, in the direction of the shop.

You may be asking by now, Why doesn’t Wiftuck just drive his car? Well, this is because, firstly, he couldn’t open the gate. Secondly, even if he could open the large piece of metal separating his front yard from his back yard, he would not be able to start it unless he could hotwire it, not that he knew how. And thirdly, if he managed to get to the car, and start it, he would end up in trouble by the police, possibly even dead, as he didn’t have a license and didn’t know how to drive anyway.

So why did he have the car in his backyard if he never used it? Well, the truth is that Wiftuck didn’t really know. It appeared one morning after a very strange experience the night before:

It was late at night and Wiftuck was sitting in his lounge room watching television, when he caught a glimpse of a flash of light out the back yard through the corner of his eye. He immediately jumped up and dashed toward the back window. Peering out, he spotted a large white light hovering in the sky. As he did so, there was another bright flash of light and the next thing he knew he was lying in his bed, half asleep. He remembered nothing about how he got there, or anything else between then and the moment he spotted that bright light.

When he awoke the next morning, the car was just sitting there behind the gate, which had always been on one hinge since Wiftuck had attempted to put it together - unsuccessfully - some few months before. Wiftuck never bothered to move the car so it has stayed there ever since.

Now, back to the story. Wiftuck finally made his way down to the large intersection leading up to the shop, when he noticed he had no shoes on! Fortunately for him, a shoe shop was situated across the road from his destination. He began walking toward the shoe store, almost getting his by several cars, as he was half in a daze from not completely recovering from his unconsciousness earlier.

Despite the potential injuries, he managed to find his way, still half dazed, toward the shoe store. When he finally got there, to his dismay, he found the shoes very expensive. He was almost going to leave, with no shoes on his feet, when he snapped out of his daze and remembered the money he had with him. He bought the most expensive pair of shoes he could afford, shoved them on his feet and stepped out of the store. Now he headed across the road, again heading for the general store.

He wasn’t far across the road when he saw a very small, but very fast approaching car, heading in his direction. For few moments, all he could do was just stand there and watch as the car came closer and closer toward him, nearly wetting his pants. Although he was paralysed with fear and despite the incontinence he was experiencing at that moment, he finally came to realise that he was going to be dead if he didn’t do something soon.

He dodged aside suddenly, and as he did so, he slammed into a parked four wheel drive, landing flat on his face next to it. The driver of the small car which almost hit him before had his head poked out of the car, pointing at Wiftuck and laughing. Soon, pedestrians walking along the sidewalk began looking as well. And very soon the whole street was filled with laughter. Luckily, Wiftuck was unconscious again. By the time he came to, which was only around a quarter of an hour later, most had stopped laughing and continued on with their own business. But some people could still not keep their laughter down and, although this wasn’t many, it still made Wiftuck extremely embarrassed.

He climbed to his feet quickly and walked off just as fast, and to his further embarrassment he slammed straight into a signpost, which set everyone off laughing again. Soon, the whole street was filled once again with laughter. At this, Wiftuck climbed back up again and headed for the fifth or so time to the general store, this time, although shivering with shock and embarrassment, carefully made his way across the road.

As he entered the store, everyone started trying not to laugh, though every now and then they would crack up and start laughing for a few seconds and then try to control their laughter again, most of the time unsuccessfully.

While all this was going on, the shopkeeper came to the counter and, still trying to hold in his laughter, asked, half giggling, “Can I help you?” Wiftuck didn’t reply.

“Excuse me?,” asked the shopkeeper.

All Wiftuck cound think to say was, “Umm.....”

At this the shopkeeper asked one more time, “Can I help you?”

At Wiftuck’s further silence, he screamed in Wiftucks direction, “WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING!?”

All Wiftuck could say was, “Umm... I can’t remember...”

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