JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> Wiftuck's
Journey
By CrazyJim
It was early morning when a man stepped out of his house, which was a disgusting
green colour with a large white stripe going all the way around the it. He was
headed toward the local general store, equipped with his few hundred dollar
notes he found a few days earlier looking for some spare underwear, as he had
lost all his others when they got stuck in his garbage disposal. This man’s name
was Wiftuck.
Out the front of his house a small driveway was situated. At the end of this was
a large gate, hanging by one hinge onto the ground. Behind it was a small orange
car with one grey door, and a bright yellow hood. The gate was between two small
fences, one connected to the fence running all the way around the yard and the
other connected to the side of the house.
He wasn’t far down his driveway when he spotted a person in a white straight
jacket, running down the small road out the front of his house. He had obviously
just escaped the mental institute next door. As Wiftuck watched him running down
the front of his yard, the loonatic slipped, landed flat on his face and
couldn’t get himself back up. At this, Wiftuck started laughing, almost falling
over with laughter. The loonatic started squirming down the road, which made
Wiftuck laugh even harder, giving him a stitch. Although it hurt, Wiftuck
couldn’t stop laughing.
Soon, five men in white suits started running past his house, obviously after
the loonatic who just squirmed past. They went straight past his house and soon
came struggling back, with the loonatic held between them, three holding his
legs and the other two holding his shoulders. The loonatic squirmed and
squirmed, continuously yelling and trying to escape. At this, Wiftuck laughed
harder than ever.
Wiftuck didn’t remember anything after that, as he soon fell unconscious with
laughter. When he awoke, which was an hour and a half later, though he didn’t
realise, he jumped up immediately and sprinted down his driveway and started
down the long road out the front, in the direction of the shop.
You may be asking by now, Why doesn’t Wiftuck just drive his car? Well, this is
because, firstly, he couldn’t open the gate. Secondly, even if he could open the
large piece of metal separating his front yard from his back yard, he would not
be able to start it unless he could hotwire it, not that he knew how. And
thirdly, if he managed to get to the car, and start it, he would end up in
trouble by the police, possibly even dead, as he didn’t have a license and
didn’t know how to drive anyway.
So why did he have the car in his backyard if he never used it? Well, the truth
is that Wiftuck didn’t really know. It appeared one morning after a very strange
experience the night before:
It was late at night and Wiftuck was sitting in his lounge room watching
television, when he caught a glimpse of a flash of light out the back yard
through the corner of his eye. He immediately jumped up and dashed toward the
back window. Peering out, he spotted a large white light hovering in the sky. As
he did so, there was another bright flash of light and the next thing he knew he
was lying in his bed, half asleep. He remembered nothing about how he got there,
or anything else between then and the moment he spotted that bright light.
When he awoke the next morning, the car was just sitting there behind the gate,
which had always been on one hinge since Wiftuck had attempted to put it
together - unsuccessfully - some few months before. Wiftuck never bothered to
move the car so it has stayed there ever since.
Now, back to the story. Wiftuck finally made his way down to the large
intersection leading up to the shop, when he noticed he had no shoes on!
Fortunately for him, a shoe shop was situated across the road from his
destination. He began walking toward the shoe store, almost getting his by
several cars, as he was half in a daze from not completely recovering from his
unconsciousness earlier.
Despite the potential injuries, he managed to find his way, still half dazed,
toward the shoe store. When he finally got there, to his dismay, he found the
shoes very expensive. He was almost going to leave, with no shoes on his feet,
when he snapped out of his daze and remembered the money he had with him. He
bought the most expensive pair of shoes he could afford, shoved them on his feet
and stepped out of the store. Now he headed across the road, again heading for
the general store.
He wasn’t far across the road when he saw a very small, but very fast
approaching car, heading in his direction. For few moments, all he could do was
just stand there and watch as the car came closer and closer toward him, nearly
wetting his pants. Although he was paralysed with fear and despite the
incontinence he was experiencing at that moment, he finally came to realise that
he was going to be dead if he didn’t do something soon.
He dodged aside suddenly, and as he did so, he slammed into a parked four wheel
drive, landing flat on his face next to it. The driver of the small car which
almost hit him before had his head poked out of the car, pointing at Wiftuck and
laughing. Soon, pedestrians walking along the sidewalk began looking as well.
And very soon the whole street was filled with laughter. Luckily, Wiftuck was
unconscious again. By the time he came to, which was only around a quarter of an
hour later, most had stopped laughing and continued on with their own business.
But some people could still not keep their laughter down and, although this
wasn’t many, it still made Wiftuck extremely embarrassed.
He climbed to his feet quickly and walked off just as fast, and to his further
embarrassment he slammed straight into a signpost, which set everyone off
laughing again. Soon, the whole street was filled once again with laughter. At
this, Wiftuck climbed back up again and headed for the fifth or so time to the
general store, this time, although shivering with shock and embarrassment,
carefully made his way across the road.
As he entered the store, everyone started trying not to laugh, though every now
and then they would crack up and start laughing for a few seconds and then try
to control their laughter again, most of the time unsuccessfully.
While all this was going on, the shopkeeper came to the counter and, still
trying to hold in his laughter, asked, half giggling, “Can I help you?” Wiftuck
didn’t reply.
“Excuse me?,” asked the shopkeeper.
All Wiftuck cound think to say was, “Umm.....”
At this the shopkeeper asked one more time, “Can I help you?”
At Wiftuck’s further silence, he screamed in Wiftucks direction, “WOULD YOU LIKE
SOMETHING!?”
All Wiftuck could say was, “Umm... I can’t remember...”
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2003 JimSoft