JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> Your Da Man
By Lemur

I got out of bed one day to find my dog barking. Unfortunately he wasn’t barking at all that afternoon so I never found him. Confronted with my non barking dog situation I decided to walk down the middle of my street screaming “YOU’RE DA MAN” at lamp posts. All my shouting was giving me a sore throat, so I stopped to have a drink of water at my friendly neighbor’s place. I knocked loudly on their door, but no response was noticed. I then decided to teach the non-responders a lesson by throwing all their garden gnomes through their windows. Feeling even more rebellious I decided to put their garden hose in the window and fill their house with water. Pleased with my efforts I continued down the road, screaming “YOU’RE DA MAN” at anything that moved and alot that didn’t. Realizing I never got that drink I was after I decided to try and swallow my own throat. After several failed attempts I finally managed to do it, with one mighty spasm and a loud pop I swallowed my throat.

“Where am I? Mummy?” I said.

“You’re in the hospital son” Said a doctor who was conveniently nearby for my recovering of consciousness. “You swallowed your own throat son, we had to do a throatectomy. The doctor subsequently handed me my throat in a glass jar.

“Wow, Look at that” I exclaimed “Hospital’s have women in Nurses uniforms!” I said drooling.

“Yes son, those are the nurses” Said the doctor.

“Nurses eh?” I said.

“Yes, said the doctor, nurses”

“Sweet” I said eating some post operative apple pie. I almost swallowed the space where my throat used to be when two police officers walked into the room and asked if I was Mr. John Yoongurt of 87 Darnarnarnar Road, Hurtsville. I of course denied it and called my Lawyer, who told me that giving my adress can’t hurt, so I said “Yes, that’s where I live, it’s the house with the large marijuana plants in the backyard”

The police who were busy said “Sorry, missed that, anyhow, we have some bad news for you Mr. Yoongurt”

“Oh no, don’t tell me some bastard has stolen my Marijuana Plants!” I replied in disbelief

“No”, Replied the police “Your house has been vandalised, some somebody filled the place with water and smashed all the windows with the gnomes from your front yard”

“Sheet” I replied as the orderly tried to give me a blanket “Hey, Police, Who would do such a thing? I mean that’s just disgusting, the dumb idiot should be arrested! HE TRIED TO GIVE ME A BLANKET!!!!!” I said complaining about the orderly, who was not wearing a nurses uniform and was open target for my ‘post-having-your-throat-cut-out-and-not-eating-anything-and-watching-the-cops-talk-but-not-listening-to-them-and-then-getting-offered-a-blanket-and-wanting-a-sheet-and-pissing-yourself-in-the-bed-which-you-don’t-want-anyone-to-know-about-so-never-mentioned-it’ thing.

“Stuff ya’s all” I said and drifted off into a deep sleep only highly addictive sedatives can provide.

© 2003 JimSoft