JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> Three People In Front Of A House
By CrazyJim

The three of them stood on the sidewalk by the fence, beyond which was a large white house with two trees poking out its windows. I was standing at the opposite end of the road, about seven and a half units of measurement or more, most likely more. Just then there was a commotion of houses. They whinnied like four cats on a very cold, unwarm night, because they were cats, not horses, as I had found when I walked away.

These cats began to eat all the cheese they could see in the distance, while staying as far away from themselves as possible, which caused them to run circles in the middle of the roads which ultimately led to their deaths which looked like they must have hurt, even from a very, very, close distance.

I didn’t actually see what I have described above, but I remember it very clearly, as though it happened only yesterday, which is strange as it only happened a few minutes ago.

Anyway, as I was saying, the three of them (Ray, Ron and Ryan, that is) were staring at the windows of the horse… I mean house.

“That house looks really hungry,” said Roy (The fourth person standing on the sidewalk). Ron suggested feeding it, but that became a rather unpopular notion, after many boos and hisses from the ghosts and snakes behind them in the graveyard to the east on the opposite end of the west side of the city.

Ryan started screaming, muttering something the other six couldn’t understand. Fortunately for them, I was standing behind them. I took the opportunity to scare them out of their wits and help them out. Both of them fell to the ground in shock, while the other five and a half turned around.

“Feed it?” two asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“Good idea,” said Ron, “why didn’t I think of that?”

”Because you’re stupid,” I said, “now, what will we feed it?”

“FOOD!!” yelled Ryan, who had just come to after not being unconscious.

The rest of us gasped, “Of c-o-o-u-u-r-s-e! It’s so simple!” Ryan stood there feeling proud of his idea. “Feed it inanimate objects!!” We cried. Ryan stopped feeling proud.

We started tearing up parts of the sidewalk and stealing peoples clothing, mostly each others as the sidewalk wasn’t very busy at the time. We started to become hungry, so much so that Roy and I started chewing the fence. I snapped him out of it so I could have it all to myself and not have to share the fence, which should have been mine, but wasn’t after Ryan accidentally exploded it with a bomb he found in his pants.

“What did you do that for!?” I screamed in his head. Ryan stood there thinking for a moment.

“It was Ron,” he said.

“RON!” I screamed.

“What n-OW!” He said as I hit him in the face, “What was that for!?”

“For exploding my inanimate fence,” I said.

“That was Ray,” he said.

“RAY!” I screamed.

“What n-OW!” He said as I didn’t hit him, “What wasn’t that for?”

For not exploding my inanimate fence,” I said, “because I know it was Ryan.” I hit Ryan and I fell unconscious. Ryan started laughing and fell unconscious.

Ray started to carry the pieces of sidewalk and clothing to the house. He tried to open the door, but found he couldn’t, as Roy had already opened it and was feeding the house the inanimate objects which Ray was carrying before. Ray became outraged and started saying something, but couldn’t as I put a fork up his nose and started yelling.

Now Ryan had awoken again. He started laughing again.

“What are you laughing at!?” yelled Ray.

“I’m laughing at the fact that I’m conscious.”

“Oh, good,” yelled Ray in an agonizing scream, “I thought you were la-ARGH-ughing a-aaarrrghh-t the fa-aaarrghh-ct that I h-aaaarrrghhhh-ve a fo-OWWWWWWW-rk up my NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOse!!!!”

Ryan thought about this and started laughing harder. “Fork!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAAAHAHAHAAA!” Ray hit him. Ryan was unconscious again, and so was Ray as the fork had now moved further up his nose and sent him unconscious.

I walked in the house and found that it was empty. “It’s worse than I thought,” I said.

“What is?” asked Roy.

“The…” I began, “I forget. Something though. Something’s worse than I thought, and I don’t like it.”

“I’m hungry,” said Roy, gnawing on the wall.

“Eat the…” I began again, “Yeah… that’s right.” We ventured further into the house and found a telephone. It started ringing. Roy picked it up and answered it. It didn’t respond. I tried feeding it a piece of carpet, but that didn’t help. Finally, I attempted to eat it. Nothing seemed to work so I put it in the sink and started to fill it with water, when I realized I had my finger in the power point. Roy started screaming at the window.

“It’s moooving!!!!!” He said, and started laughing, “Heeeheehee, MOOooving, moo-OOO!! MOOOOOOOOO! Ving, moooooooo! MOO MOO! MOOOOOOO! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee…. Hahaha… OW!” I hit him.

“Shut up Roy,” I said.

“Heehee, Ok. Mooo-OOO!! Heeheheee – OW! Ok, ok. But I’m still hungry.”

“Shut UP Moo… I mean Roy. We’ve got a job to do.”

“Moo. What job?” Roy asked.

“What JOB?” I mocked, “What do you MEAN Moo. I mean ‘What job’.”

“What?”

”Moo.”

“Oooohh. You mean what do I mean by saying ‘what job?’!”

“Moo moo. Damn it. Stop with this moo thing.”

“I have. You’re the one who’s still using it.”

“Oh, yeah. Well, stop it then.”

“But –“

“Shut up Roy.”

“So what do we have to do? Why are we here?”

“Well, Roy, that is a very stupid question. Of course, we are here because…”

After my prolonged silence, Roy spoke, “Because…?”

“Because… Because. Because. That’s why, because. Hey, why did they call it ‘because’ and not cow or orange?”

“Hmm... that’s a good qu… STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT MOO! I mean… STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT!!”

“Ok, I’ll stop changing the subject. Did you see that movie last night where that guy gets into an argument with the windowsill? Now HE knew how to change the subject...”

”STOP IT!!!”

"Stop what, watching the movie? I can’t it was on last night. I can’t stop watching something I’m not—“

“SHUT UP!!! STOP IT!! TELL ME, WHY ARE WE HERE!!”

“Silence, you of so little faith… um… Roy. SILENCE. We are here BECAUSE!!!”

“Oh, this is stupid. I’m OUT OF HERE.” Roy walked out of the house and I didn’t hear from him for a year.

“Why am I here,” I asked myself.

“Because,” I answered myself.

“Oh, yeah,” I said and wandered further into the house and lived happily ever after. The other seven point eight, who were still lying outside on the sidewalk and were getting trampled on by me, lived happily ever after and started gnawing on things.

© 2003 JimSoft