JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> Head On Fire
By CrazyJim

For some reason I noticed my head was on fire. I sat for a whole two minutes and seven point eight seconds pondering the reason for my having noticed it. Immediately I realized the obviousness of my plight, and set out on a mission to set it right again.

I arrived at my next-door neighbour’s front door panting and screaming, “Let me in! LET ME IN!” I turned left, startled by a noise that sounded remarkably like my neighbour saying “It’s unlocked, come in!” from his kitchen window. I sat there for a moment, in awe of the multi-coloured dots surrounding the door frame. Standing back up, I shouted “But I wanna come in noo-oow!”

Sighing, my neighbour opened the front door. “Hello,” I said. He fell flat onto the ground, spasming and yelling something along the lines of “Yaaaaaarrrrrghhhh!” in a strangely high tone. Quivering, he stood up and turned around, “I thought you were at the front door!”

“I got bored of waiting, so I tried to find another way in. Fortunately, you left your sky-light open.” Still shaking, my neighbour gestured for me to sit, apparently somewhere near one of the couches in his lounge room.

“Take a seat,” I said.

“I was just about to say the same thing…” said my neighbour with a perplexed look on his face.

“You were? What a coincidence! But there’s no time to talk about that now! I have a slight problem!”

“A problem?”

“Yes. You see, my head is on fire.”

“Why, so it is,” answered my neighbour. “Do you suppose we ought to do something about that?”

“That’s exactly why I came here. It is of immense importance that you tell me where my kitchen is.”

“I’m afraid that’s all the way next door. Can’t help you there.”

“Really? Wow. I never knew my kitchen could be so far away. Well, can I at least borrow five dollars?” After a moment, I realised my neighbour was not responding to me. After another moment, I realised I was outside. After another moment I decided it best to stop or be placed into a state of immense pain by the oncoming truck on the road just in front of me. Being a firm believer in second-guessing myself, I second-guessed myself and figured that perhaps I should step forward. So I did, and just as I expected, I awoke to the usual scene of not knowing where I was.

I screamed, “Help! Help! Where am I!?”

“You’re inside your jacket… are you okay?”

I looked up at the emitter of the sound, only to find a person who was talking to me. I responded to the person, “I don’t know… are you?”

“Umm… well, I think so… why, do I look unwell?”

“NOOOooooOoo,” I responded sarcastically.

“Oh, good. Um, you do realize your head is on fire, don’t you?”

“Yes. Yes I do.”

“Have you thought about doing something about it?”

This question struck me as rather peculiar. “Of course I’ve thought about doing something about it! What do you take me for?”

“Don’t get me started…”

Heeding their word, I stopped them in their tracks, “Ok,” and soon awoke in my neighbour’s lounge chair, being shaken by some unseen force.

“WAKE THE…” I lost my hearing temporarily, “UP!” It was my neighbour, shaking me relentlessly. I grabbed my neighbour’s arms and pulled them away from me. Immediately, I started using them to make hand puppet plays.

My memory failed to record the next few seconds, but afterward I found myself with bruises and in the midst of yelling. I noticed my neighbour’s arms beating at me, and came to realise the yelling was a combination of me screaming “STOP!” and “Take that! And that!” and my neighbour’s screams, “Let go of my arms!” and “What the hell are you doing!?”

Immediately I responded, “What are you doing?”

“Trying to stop you from using my arms to hurt yourself!”

Hysterically I laughed in my neighbour’s face, “Heeheehaa! HAA! Haheehee! Nyah! Yeehee! Neee! Mwah!” with each passing word bashing myself across the face with his clenched fists, “Nyeeheheheheheeehehee-yaaaaaaah! Ha-yee! Yaaaighrgh!” and failing to pronounce “yaiheghfdelgh” correctly.

I suddenly stopped, realising what I was doing. I paused, corrected my pronunciation, and continued beating myself with my neighbour’s arms. I felt some extra force being exerted, as if my neighbour was actually hitting me himself.

“No you are!” I screamed, talking with the slurred speech and uncoordination of a drunk. “He did it! I wasn’t there! I couldn’t have done it unless he was there as well! Heeheheeeheeeyachkt.”

I soon lost interest, spotting a ceiling fan above me. Jumping at the fan, I broke several fingers before finally getting a grip on the fan, at which point I was spun and flung through the far window.

“My car! You landed on my car!” My neighbour cried out the window, a tone of distress and impatience overcoming his usually calm and rational personality.

I was too hungry to listen, so I started gnawing at my left arm. I soon noticed it was my neighbour’s right arm, and started screaming, “Let go of my hair!”

“I’m not touching your hair!” my neighbour screamed hysterically, “I’m simply asking you to GET THE HELL OFF MY BLOODY CAR!!!!!!”

“Oh, of course,” I replied. “It always has to be about you.” I began ridiculing my neighbour, ‘Get off my car! What are you doing with my arms? My head is on fire!” At that point I stopped, thought to myself for a moment, and then screamed girlishly, “MY HEAD IS ON FIRE! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!” dancing around, flailing my limbs in every direction, rolling on the ground and laughing.

“Alright! Hold still!” my neighbour shouted at me.

“Why?” I asked, still flailing and dancing and rolling and laughing.

“Becau-ause I’m go-ing to put the fi-re out,” my neighbour spelled out impatiently.

“Oh goodeee! Hehehehe!” I giggled and stopped spasming and my neighbour poured a liquid substance over me. The fire spread all over my body, consuming the liquid my neighbour had just poured over me.

“Oops,” my neighbour smiled, “wrong liquid substance.” He went inside chuckling to himself. I decided, “I’ll show him!”

Spotting a running tap just behind the car, I screamed, “The car! Of course!” I jumped in and attempted to drive off. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to turn on the ignition. Even more unfortunately, I had forgotten to unlock the car door. I started screaming, “Nooo! Why me? Why always me!!?”

As if to answer my question, the car suddenly exploded. In an attempt to make the most of the situation, I put my last ounce of effort into rolling my neighbour’s car down into the road which had become extremely busy over the past few minutes.

My neighbour, reacting to the explosion from just a moment ago, ran panicked out his front door, leaving it hanging wide open. He ran down his driveway, screaming, “MY CAR! MY BRAND NEW CAR!!”

Rubbing my hands with glee and extreme pain, I ran toward the open doorway as fast as I could, but slipped over just as fast into the puddle of water that had formed from the running tap, ignoring the extremely loud explosions and my neighbour’s screams of pain to my left.

“Wow. That must be wasting a lot of my neighbour’s water bill,” I said to myself as I turned the tap off. I put my head into the puddle and yelled, “Hooray! My head is not on fire!”

My quest was finally complete. I began to celebrate, but soon found myself sinking into the muddy floor of the rather deep puddle. Loud hissing and steam rose from the puddle as I did so.

Screaming like a girl, “Aaaaayyyyyyyiiiii! Snakes!!!!!!!!” I started running in circles around the outside of the puddle. Soon I found myself to be dizzy, and passed out on the ground where I found my arms being restrained by a metallic device being operated by two people in light blue uniforms. Screaming at them, “My head’s not on fire any more!” I almost thought I’d won.

However, I noticed my head was now on fire once again. I had no time to ponder how such a thing could occur, as my adventure suddenly came to a halt.

© 2003 JimSoft