JimSoft Insanitarium -> Insane Stories -> A Boring Afternoon
By CrazyJim

I found myself one afternoon to be quite bored, so I began to gnaw my leg. After several minutes of unrelenting resistance on behalf of my leg, I stood up and fell over. A ferret now had latched its teeth to my arm.

I crawled to the phone. Fortunately, it was lying on the ground after an afternoon several weeks ago in which I unsuccessfully attempted to teach it to roll over. I picked up the phone and threw it at the window to my right, which led out of the house.

I crawled to the window and began flailing my arms. Just as I had planned, my arm broke on the remains of the windowsill and the ferret slammed to the ground. Just as I was about to perform a victory dance, it pulled a banana peel from its back pocket and planted it where it anticipated my foot to fall next. My foot came down near the banana peel. The ferret looked somewhat disappointed. I continued to jump around like a moron and soon I tripped on my foot and fell onto the car next door. I found this strange as I was still in my yard and below me was really my lawn.

I had no time to ponder this puzzle, as at that very moment, within seconds a cat would fall from my roof and begin scratching its head. I stood up and ran at the fence. It told me to stop, which I did until I began running again. I soon found myself in a cloudy place, which I realised to be my laundry. I stood up and turned off the washing machine and stepped out the door.

My house had been moved, as the door now led to the hallway, which usually the other door, at least when I had a good sense of direction, would lead to. This one usually led outside. I stopped for a second. I pointed to my left, which I claimed to be south. From my pocket I then grasped a compass. The compass agreed with me. The direction I claimed to have been south was actually south.

I decided it was just my imagination that the door led to the hallway and that what I thought was the hallway was actually my yard. I walked into the hallway. In front of me I could see a wall, but I wasn’t fooled by my imagination that easily. I walked through it. At least, I thought I walked through it, until I woke up on the floor.

I struggled for my compass. Now that I looked at it again, I realized that when I checked the direction before I had had the compass on such an angle that the N, representing north, appeared as a Z. Then I realized something more important: south didn’t start with Z. Then I remembered something even more important than both of them--I always had a bad sense of direction. This proved it. I really was in my hallway and the other laundry door led outside. I don't know why I didn't see it before.

I stood up and turned around, and walked forward. Unfortunately, when I fell unconscious before, I had turned. I walked into the wall and was unconscious again. When I awoke, I carefully stood up and turned around, but before I walked forward into the wall again, I turned around and walked forward.

Unfortunately for me, I had developed a habit lately of closing doors behind me. I had done so with the laundry door and now walked into it and was unconscious again. When I awoke, I neither turned around nor forgot to open the door.

I was back in my laundry and made my way to the door, which I opened and stepped through and found myself outside.

I started talking, of what I can’t remember. Someone responded. I soon realized it was me, so I spoke again, to which I responded. I soon got bored of this process and I started talking about something else, after I demanded it.

Soon I found myself in an argument, and I was losing. It was about the colour of red bricks. I claimed they were blue and I argued they were grey. After I both got bored I started a fistfight with me. My head soon began to hurt twice as bad as a normal fistfight.

I tried to run away from me, but I couldn’t. Every time I tried I would tackle me and send me to the ground.

Suddenly I had an idea. I turned to me and said, “I’m just doing this because I’m stupid!”.

I was outraged. How dare I say that, I thought. “What did I call me!?” I cried.

“I called me because!!!” I stopped. After several seconds of thinking, I corrected myself, “I mean I’m.”

At this I became angrier. “I’m!? I’M!!?” I shouted, “I’ll show you I’M!!” I soon began beating my head in. I couldn’t fight back because my hands were stuck under my feet as I attempted to step on them as my last resort to win the fight. I soon fell on the ground laughing.

“What am I laughing at?” I asked.

“I’m laughing at THAT!” I laughed, pointing up. I looked up to see where I was pointing.

An anvil was falling at great speed toward me.

“Where’d that come from?” I asked, “Is this my doing?”

I laughed harder, “It's simple: the world is divided in half and four halves make an anvil!”

“Of course, why didn’t I see it before?” I rolled to the right and fell into the gutter of the street next door. My head now hurt as the anvil fell to my right somewhere near my left hand.

I had won the fight.

“I win! I win!” I shouted.

“That wasn’t fair!” I protested.

“I was the one with that stupid little anvil trick!! Now that wasn't fair!”

“I thought that was me.”

“That’s what I said.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“So did I…”

“No I didn’t.”

I continued arguing all night and lived happily ever after, until one day less than 18 hours later, 3 seconds to be exact, I snapped out of it. I was now in a daze and was completely disorientated. I fell forward and started laughing again.

I awoke to the sound of a cash register bashing against my head. As I stood up in the middle of a large shop, I realised what had happened:

I had walked near the cash register, it had come to life, I fell over and the cash register began to fall to my head. I had fallen unconscious three seconds before it hit me and in that split minute, I had gnawed my leg, got trapped outside my laundry and argued with myself. Then I had awoken and been hit in the head by the cash register, which fell open and all the money fell out of it into my mouth and choked me to death, but only until I was alive again, which wasn’t for another three seconds earlier.

© 2001 by Stephen J. Currie (CrazyJiMMIII)